WHO? WHAT? WOW! Special Valentine's Weirdness

A titanic legal war has broken out in Washington state over how much "anal cleft" bikini barristas can show. INSTAGRAM

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COURT BATTLES OVER ‘ANAL CLEFT’

“Anal cleft” is not an issue most courts agonize over.

But that’s what the U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Washington state is struggling with.

It’s all part of a battle between bikini baristas, who work for Hillbilly Hotties and other coffee shops, and the city of Everett.

At the heart of the matter is the phrase “anal cleft.”

So, do dress codes violate the bosomy baristas civil rights?

The ordinance was passed in August 2017. It restricts what fast food employees can wear, including the “bottom one-half of the anal cleft.”

A judge approved an injunction last week because it probably violates the First and 14th Amendments. Now, the court is trying to get to the bottom of things.

Courthouse News reports the learned U.S. Circuit Judge Morgan Christen asked: “How can law enforcement determine where the bottom half is and measure it?”

A titanic legal war has broken out in Washington state over how much “anal cleft” bikini barristas can show. HILLBILLY HOTTIES/ INSTAGRAM

FLORIDA VALENTINE’S SEX RAGE

Cupid’s arrow struck a Florida love rat but luckily his rival’s bullets didn’t.

Robert Hakins, 64, his wife Christen, 38, and neighbour Ted Vest, 50, were all enjoying a hot tub when the husband decided to retire for the evening.

But after he split, the neighbour and the naughty wife became “romantic.”

But things went off the rails when hubby caught the missus “blowing” his pal. He pulled out a gun and started shooting.

Robert Hakins became enraged after catching his wife Christen pleasuring his neighbour in their hot tub. FACEBOOK

The hormone-charged hijinks sent Robert Hakins into a rage and he allegedly threatened to “kill” the pair.

He punched his wife twice in the head as the incident unfolded.

Hakins has pleaded not guilty to charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, a felony, and misdemeanour battery.

Now he’s really going to get soaked.

Robert Hakins looking worse for wear in this police mugshot.

MUGSHOT MANIA

Nice head buddy. This unidentified suspected crook apparently got his dyes mixed up and as a result looks like a Heinz 57.

VALENTINE’S VENGEANCE

Revenge can be ssss-sweet!

More than a few jilted lovers have called their former partners “a snake.”

Now, thanks to an Australian zoo, for a donation of $1 you can name one of the world’s most venomous snakes after your no good ex. The money goes to the Wild Life Conservation Fund.

“We hope that by providing someone unlucky in love the opportunity to name Wild Life Sydney Zoo’s very own brown snake after their ex, we can give them something else to celebrate on Valentine’s Day this year,” general manager Mark Connolly said.

“We’re also throwing in an annual pass to Wild Life Sydney Zoo, so that you can also visit the snake in Darling Harbour as many times as you want during the next year!”

The competition closes on Thursday.

One of the most deadly snakes in the world, the King Brown Snake, is looking for a name. GETTY IMAGES

VALENTINE’S FUN

What a dick!

An Arizona man has been arrested after a teen girl told cops he sent her explicit texts and photos.

The photos allegedly included a snapshot of his penis adorned with the distinctive tattoo that read: “Fun Size.”

Joshua Hillyard, 28, is accused of sending the lewd photos to the 16-year-old girl he was mentoring through a local outreach program.

Joshua Hillyard, AKA Mr. Fun Size.

Horndog Hillyard allegedly admitted to cops he knew the girl’s age but used the old trope that he thought the age of consent in Arizona was 16. Wrong-o!

He was charged with providing harmful materials to a minor.

bhunter@postmedia.com

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